i wrote this a month ago

disclaimer: i wrote this my first week in russia, with the intention of emailing it some1 who would be willing to post it for me in a timely fashion... given the internet situation in rural siberia (and perhaps my laziness), that never happened... but uhh here it is now!

Greetings from…siberia..!

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with my whereabouts at all times and spaces these past couple of weeks, I should inform you that I have moved on from ze la france, and now find myelf in the motherland. Russia. I don’t really know how I ended up here but the short of it is that I am teaching English with an organization called “learning enterprises”, which seeks to teach English-speak to those around our world unfortunate enough to not be born in a place where english is their native tongue. The more im abroad the more thankful I am to know English. This is ish useful. Woo hoo capitalism/imperialism/hbo! I am teaching English in a village called Soleneshnoe. "soul-en-esh-noy-a" . I only just learned how to pronounce it without sounding like a compelte idiot. now I only sound like a part of an idiot. The village is in Siberia. Yeah, yeah… get all the permafrost/gulag/Stalin jokes out of ur system… if “middle of nowhere” could be epitomized by any place in the world, it is soleneshnoe. It is 3 hours from the nearest “city” which is named Biysk and Biysk is another three hours from the nearest airport (domestic flights only… don’t try a be bookin’ those roundtrips from JFK to soleneshnoe) in Barnaul which is a bit larger of a city 4 hours by plane from Moscow. if you have a chance, google-map this place, u will prob get a kick out of it. Although, im being a bit unfair. Soleneshnoe is pretty kickin’… yesterday I went to the “town center”… there is a supermarket, a bread/lemonade factory (don’t ask… apparently they go together now?) and some clothing stores AND a stadium where if I weren’t a complete fatass I could theoretically exercise AND a discotheque which I did frequent once. We went to “adult night” where 20 women aged 60 and up came to get their boogie on in this YMCA type joint. There was a disco ball and “mambo number 5” on the jukebox (sometimes I wonder what Lou Bega would say if he knew his song was being played and danced to by Siberian babooshkas) and Russian-red hair dye… it was very “scene”. It must be said that soleneshnoe is considered a “regional center” in these parts and that is frankly quite frightening to think about. THIS is where the other middle of nowhere villages in the surrounding area come for good times. God bless them all. But despite (or because of) its remoteness, this place is probably the most beautiful place I have ever seen. It is in the middle of the mountains and is surrounded by lakes and forests and hills and rivers and greenery like ya wouldn’t believe. If I ever saw “lord of the rings” I would probably liken it to the scenery in that movie but I haven’t so I won’t.

The village doesn’t have many paved roads and most of the houses from the outside look pretty, well…decrepit. lets just say this aint no Princeton Manor (that was new jersey reference for those not intimately familiar with the turnpike). Anyhoo, running water is a 50/50 thing and I haven’t used this many outhouses since 1899. but it is still a pretty comfortable place to live because my family is pretty pimp in soleneshnoe terms… meaning they have TWO cars, one of which is a brand new Toyota SUV. this is probably the only time in my life where I have ridden in an SUV that actually did off-roading on mountainous roads… usually it’s the typical soccer mom on her way to Wegmans to buy her family’s dinner or drive her kids to field hockey practice. The family has running (hot!) water, a shower, a toilet, but they do have their outhouses as well. The mom is an English teacher in the school we teach at and the dad is a bee-keeper??? I still haven’t really figured out what he does but I have gathered there is a bee place up in the mountains where he goes every morning to gather honey?? Apparently honey is a lucrative business in these parts. Screw investment banking… I know my future career. There are 2 kids.. a 3 year old girl, Yulia and 11 year old boy Andrei. (Julia and Andrew for those less Russian-ly inclined). They’re a great family and I really like living here. Another volunteer from gtown and I are living together with the fam.

We started teaching yesterday. I was really nervous about it cuz 12 year olds are intimidating. Especially when they are all blond and children-of-the-corn like, but it wasn’t so bad. The kids are actually really nice and I think they get a kick out of my horrible Russian, which I am forced to speak much more often than anticipated because NO ONE here speaks English. Meaning everyone’s English is worse than my Russian which should give you a vague idea of what level English we’re dealing with here. The other volunteer is the only other person I can speak English with.

The one question I get asked pretty often is what “stars” I have seen in America. One kid asked today if I have ever met Indiana Jones. I dunno what to tell them when they ask me about celebrities because I really haven’t seen anyone noteworthy but I also don’t want to disappoint them. Today I was about to tell them how reverend Al Sharpton came and spoke at Georgetown freshman year…but I knew that would go nowhere fast. So I settled on a little white lie telling them I saw George Clooney. Which isnt totally untrue… freshman year there was a huge rally at the national mall for Darfur and george (we’re on a first name basis now) came to be like the big celebrity speaker so Americans would, u know, care about genocide… but he didn’t come on stage until like 4 hours into the rally so I left before he came. I don’t remember why I was being such a party pooper, but I’ve never been a huge ER fan. In any case ... technically I was there.. right? Whatever it didn’t matter cuz most of the kiddies didn’t know george either and then I somehow got into explaining the genocide in darfur in a mix of english and battered Russian to a bunch of 11 year olds from Siberia who don’t know English, cant understand my russian, and are only slightly aware that Africa exists and well… that was just disastrous. Moral of the story: don’t lie when it comes to george.

Besides the whole “yes, Africa does exist” conversation I had with the kids I have really enjoyed teaching. The kids are so enthusiastic (well, most of them… we’ve always got those class clowns. Class clownage is a universal truth.) Furthermore, its pretty satisfying when at the beginning of class the kids don’t know some phrase and by the end of it they can actually say something. Today we mastered (mastered in the loosest sense of the word) the art of American small-talk: “how are you?” “I am fine”. ..Baby steps, baby steps. I don’t think we will have any Thorough’s on our hands by the time we leave but I mean, the English world will know that a small girl in siberia is doing fine today.

In all, this whole experience is really really cool. The family I live with is so awesome and kind and welcoming and open. Exceptionally so. The mom is a great cook and makes 3 meals a day. I haven’t had 3 square meals a day since… well ever. and they grow all the ingrediants in their backyard so this ish the real deal. Mostly its a lot of soups, potatoes, mayonnaise DRENCHED "salads"... most of the food im at least familiar with cuz ive had it at home growing up but i can imagine that some1 a bit less accostumed to russian cuisine might take issue with it. but hey, im fat and happy so thats all that matters.

Anyways, I will write again sometime soon? I don’t know. Internet here is hard to come by and facebook AND blogspot are blocked by I’m not sure who..the Russian govt.? the town of soleneshnoe?. I don’t really know but I am writing this on my laptop and will have to email it to some1 who will be able to post it for me. Damn commies.

Things I like about Siberia: TEA! I have never in my life drunk so much tea. Anytime there is a lull in conversation some one will inevitably ask “soo…. Tea?”. And everyone says yes and throws a little tea party then and there. Its nice, even though its summer and hot. I like tea. I bought my host family tea from this fancy Parisian tea place. The tea is called “American tea” but I still haven’t given it to them. I dunno why, I just haven’t. maybe tonight.
Also, in the mountains raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and any other conceivable berry just grow anywhere and everywhere. So if you are around a native there is an 80% chance that they will stop whatever they are doing at some point to bend down, pick berries and offer them to you. And they are so tasty. Except once some kid gave me these nasty blueberry like fruits which were very sour and bitter. I did not like those. But otherwise the berry thing is great

Things I don’t like about Siberia: Bands of cows (Cryps and bloods) roam the streets of soleneshnoe. India style. Well actually ive never been to India but ive seen pictures and they gots those milky, grade-A delights all up ons da streetz. Its really scary cuz they moo quite aggressively. I never thought id be so scared of a “moo” but trust me,.. u DON’T wanna piss off these cows cuz when they get a’mooing… theres no stopping them. And then one moos and then the other responds from 100 meters away and all of a sudden you are amidst a chorus of moos that you can’t escape. They roam around the same streets that people drive and walk on and apparently they know their way home at night. I have my doubts. In paris I complained about having to dodge doggy doo on the sidewalks but that was nothing compared to having to leap over MOUNDS of cow dung every couple of meters on the unpaved roads. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss the paris dog doo streets.